by Jason from Invasion of the B Movies
This is my fourth time writing something for "LAMB's Devour The Oscars". The first time was marred by controversy cause I was suppose to write about all five nominees for "Best Special Effects" or whatever and instead I wrote about how fucking terrible "Transformers" is. I don't regret this decision, anytime I get to tell people how fucking terrible "Transformers" is, I'm a happy man.
The second time I got Best Supporting Actor. This too was marred by controversy cause all the actors nominated were in movies I never seen, nor did I ever plan on seeing them. So instead I just made something up. You "good" movie snobs, you sure take this shit seriously.
And last year, I was told to just talk about the movie "District 9", which I can't even believe was nominated. Not cause it's not good, it's an awesome movie, but it's TOO awesome to be nominated for a Best Picture. The last awesome best picture nominee was "Pulp Fiction". [Citation needed] When "Hot Tub Time Machine" becomes nominated for Best Picture, get back with me.
So this year, someone new is running this event (Hi Jess!) and frankly, she just didn't know what to do with me. To be fair, she asked me if I had a preference and I said "Eh, give me whatever", cause I know people wanted to write about a certain award. And because Jess is my number 1 fan, she gave me...
Sound mixing? What the fuck is sound mixing? That's a thing? Sound mixing? Isn't that what Dr. Dre does? Does he just get nominated five times? How does that work? Well, I got my work cut out for me, let's do this!!
Google says sound mixing is a free software I can download if I need to mix two or more audio samples together. Hm. Let's try WIKI. They say "Live sound mixing is the art of combining and processing a number of audio signals together to create a "mix" that the audience or performers at a live show hear."
Ok. Let me ask my neighbor. According to my neighbor, sound mixing is "leave me the fuck alone or I'll call the cops!". Ok, I'm on my own on this one. Here's what I THINK it is really. I think when you watch a movie, there's all sort of different sounds being presented to you and these sounds get mixed until it makes a sound you recognize. So how do I write about something like that?
Here's the list of nominees for "Best Sound Mixing":
“Inception” Lora Hirschberg, Gary A. Rizzo and Ed Novick
“The King's Speech” Paul Hamblin, Martin Jensen and John Midgley
“Salt” Jeffrey J. Haboush, Greg P. Russell, Scott Millan and William Sarokin
“The Social Network” Ren Klyce, David Parker, Michael Semanick and Mark Weingarten
“True Grit” Skip Lievsay, Craig Berkey, Greg Orloff and Peter F. Kurland
Pfft, "Salt"?? "Salt" got nominated for an Academy Award?? The fuck?? Well, if "Transformers" can get nominated for something, why not, huh? Ok. The only thing I can think to do with this is watch the trailers, but not watch them but LISTEN to them. I'm gonna blindfold myself and listen to each trailer and tell you what it SOUNDS like. Yeah, I'm a fucking genius. No need to thank me.
Ok, blindfold is on. What? You didn't know I knew how to type? Cause I watch bad movies I dont know how to type? That's what you get for stereotyping. Don't you feel stupid? Anyway, first up, "Inception".
Well, it SOUNDS like an orchastra is playing a bunch of fast notes while Leonardo Di Caprio mumbles about dreams all the while a steam boat is about to leave dock. This is one of three movies that I have seen, and the only one I own on DVD, so I know I'm not that far off.
Does It SOUND Like A Winner: I don't see anything special about it. If there's an award for overusage of "BRRRRRMP" noises, this would be a lock.
Next: "The Kings Speech". So somebody made a movie based on the fact some dude couldn't talk? I know it's based on a true story, but I get the feeling the real life story is probably really, really, fucking boring. Whatever.
Does It SOUND Like A Winner: Did they film the entire movie with the microphone across the room? Everything was echo-y. Every single scene. Even the part where Colin Firth was watching footage of Hitler (Really? The king of England during World War II is turning to Hitler for inspiration?) it sounds echo-y. Hell no!
Next: "The Social Network". SHHEEEEEES!! RUNNING OUT!! THE DOOORRRRRR!!! Oh, sorry. I was distracted by the awesome cover of "Creep". Ok.
Does It SOUND Like A Winner: Everybodytalksreallyfastjustli
Let's do..."True Grit" next. I seen this movie in theaters and I'm just gonna say the trailer is a bit misleading. They make it sound like the girl is kidnapped and the rest of the movie is Bridges and Damon looking for her, when that is not the case. Man, I was able to tell just by listening to it. I have become one with all my senses.
Does It SOUND Like A Winner: The sounds throughout the trailer were done pretty good. The sound of the guns being cocked and the roughness of Jeff Bridges voice plus the accent of Matt Damon. Everything kinda meshed together. So far, this is my pick for winner.
Still got one more, which I saved for last cause it's laughable it's even in here. Here's "Salt". This oughta be good.
Does It SOUND Like A Winner: ....HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT SOUNDED AWESOME!!! This is going to win right here!! I totally see why this was nominated!! I mean....wow!!! The meshing of the shooshes along with the heavy "DUMM"'s and then you got Angenlia Jolie? This is a shoe in!!!
So I picked my winner. "Salt". Hands down. And I'm still blind folded. Fuck it, I'm gonna keep it on until I submit it. That's ight im not spellch ecking this motherfucker!!1 If theirs problems, oh well! Im doing this SOUND, yo!! SOUND!!!
PS: Oh and if you hardcore Oscar snobs have a problem with this post, you can suck [edited due to graphic content].
