By Jason Soto of Invasion of the B Movies.
This is my third year writing something for this Oscar Write-Up thing for the LAMB. The previous two years, Fletch gave me categories to write about and both times, people came out of the woodworks and were like "Your article is teh gayz!!!11!! RICKROLL!!". So this year, Fletch felt the need to give me an actual movie to review. This time I'll probably get a comment that says something like "THIS REVIEW IS GUD, BUT YOUZ TEH GAYZ!!!! NEVAR FORGET!!!"
Oh 4-chan.
Anyway, this is my review/thoughts on District 9.
It's a good movie. I do occassionally watch good movies, especially in theaters. I just don't write about them cause everyone else does and if there's one thing you should know about me, it's that I like to be fucking different. See? I just swore in an Oscar Write-Up thing. I'm different!
When I saw the trailer for this movie, I thought it was some heavy-handed attempt to tell a story about racism or segregation but instead of using black people (or any minority) they use aliens. I kinda wanted to see it in theaters but my fiancee didn't and I didn't feel like being the big loser seeing a movie by myself in theaters. Even though I totally did to watch "Ninja Assassin" for the LAMBcast.
So I do have a question for people who own the DVD. When I started it, there was two options, one with a picture of a human, the second with a picture of a robot that I guess are suppose to be the aliens but they don't totally look like that. Anyway, the DVD didn't move pass this part until I made some choice. Just for the hell of it, I picked the Non-Alien Alien thing and then the actual DVD menu came up. So....what the hell was up with that? I didn't feel like going back to see what happens with the other option. I'm a bit lazy today. And I sorta have a life.
Anyway. The movie itself. The first 20 minutes has the feel of a documentary, like a real documentary. We're introduced to a guy named...Dickus? Dictus? I don't know I kinda missed the spelling. Anyway, Dick is some office drone guy who works for the MYSTERIOUS company MNU. I guess 20 years ago, this big ass ship appeared over Johannesburg and after three months, some people flew up there and pryed open the door and inside they found a shitload of aliens kinda hungry. So somehow they bought them down to Earth, put them in this little patch of land, and labeled it District 9. I dunno why 9. It sounds cool, fuck you.
Ok so now this documentary crew is coming along in this particular day when Dick is put in charge to relocate the aliens, they all called Prawns. They go into D9 and start knocking on doors and telling them they are moving. Apparently, the humans at MNU learned how to speak Prawn-nese and are able to communicate to the Prawns.
Dick goes around, making the Prawn sign papers (no I don't know how or why) and Dick happens upon one shack preoccupied by "Christopher" (an MNU-given name; at least they didn't name him Zorlock or something). Christopher is messing with some tube full of black liquid with his son when Dick comes knocking. He hides the tube but not very good cause Dick finds it. He opens it and a the liquid spits back at him.
Well, from this point I knew what was going to happen. And you probably did, too. The liquid was something Chris made (it's not really explained what he was gonna use it for) and because Dick got a good splash of it, it starts turning him into a Prawn. His fingernails fall off and soon his entire left arm is all Prawn-like.
MNU nabs Dick and do all kinds of tests on him, finding out that he can shoot Prawn weapons (only Prawns can shoot them, humans can't), and ask the head of MNU (and Dick's father-in-law, actually) what to do about him. MNU-in-law says "Kill him". Dick goes, "Fuck that" (he really does - he says "fuck" a lot in this movie) and escapes.
He's a fugitive now and MNU reports on the news that Dick had sex with a Prawn, so people are afraid to touch him. So Dick goes to D9 to hide out. Then all sorts of crap goes down. For that, I'll give you my trademarked Dash List! (TM)
- For some reason inside D9 are some dudes that sorta take advantage of the Prawns by selling them food and weapons.
- The food the Prawns mainly eat is cat food. Dick gives it a shot and doesn't like it too much.
- Dick is slowly evolving into a Prawn.
- Dick stumbles upon Chris' shack and finds out that Chris is working on a way to get back to the mothership and get it working.
- A key component to get the ship working is the black fluid stuff. WHY this would turn a human into a Prawn remains unexplained.
- Dick and Chris plan on breaking into MNU to get the black fluid but they need guns.
- Dick asks the leader of the Dudes in D9, who's a superstitious guy in a wheelchair who thinks eating Prawn arms will make him strong again, for guns. Leader Dude finds out about Dick's arm and wants to cut it off. Dick manages to get a gun and shoot his way out.
- Dick and Chris shoot their way into MNU, steal the black liquid, and bust out.
- MNU people follow Dick and Chris back to D9.
- Chris and his son put the black liquid in motion. Chris promises Dick to fix him...in three years. Dick is pissed.
- Dick manages to put the black liquid in motion and turns out it powers a small ship hidden under Chris' shack. Again, WHY did this liquid turn Dick into a Prawn?
- MNU dudes shoot down the ship and a huge giant ass shootout occurs.
- Leader Dude snatches Dick again and is about to cut is arm off when the biggest Deux Ex Machina happens: some robot machine thing comes to life suddenly. Dick gets inside the robot and destroys some shit.
- An even bigger epic shootout occurs with Dick going nuts. (Get it? Dick? Nuts? HA!)
- Chris manages to get to the shot down ship and flies up to the mothership. He also manages to get the mothership going. So....was he the ship's pilot? How does he know how to fly this? Think about it. We here on Earth have airplanes and stuff but does any random person know how to fly one? Exactly.
- Earth celebrates the leaving of the ship.
- Dick slowly turns into a Prawn. Dick's wife misses dick. And Dick.
Can you say "sequel"?
So the question remains: do I think this is going to win an Oscar? Probably not. It was a good movie but I don't think it's Oscar material. Plus Avatar is nominated in the same category and presently, 98% of the population are creaming their pants about that stupid movie so there's no way in hell District 9 is gonna win. I'd love it if Inglourious Basterds win, but it lacks the 3-Dness of Dancing with Pocahontas Smurfs.
-Jason
