By Aiden of Cut the Crap Movie Reviews.
Well, folks, get Granny on the phone and hold on to your Snuggies 'cause the moment you've all been waiting for has finally arrived like a mighty phoenix reborn from the ash of a most glorious death...THE ACADEMY AWARD NOMINEES FOR BEST SOUND EDITING ARE IN! Screw the sound mixers, these guys are the real effing deal and I don't know about you, but I am freakin' PUMPED about this year's roster. Why is that? Oh, I don't know. Does the name "Gwendolyn Yates Whittle" ring any bells? Yeah, that's what I thought. Shove it, jerk. So for all you posers out there trying to act like they know what the hell you're talking about ('cause you don't...served!), let me break it down for ya'. The folks over at Wikipedia would like you to believe that the award for Best Sound Editing is "granted yearly to a film exhibiting the finest or most aesthetic sound editing or sound design." Yeah, sure it is, jackass. The double truth, Ruth, is that sound editing is about one thing and one thing only: EXPLOSIONS. Pants-crapping explosions that shake you to the marrow and give you night terrors when you snore too loud. Wondering why Up in the Air isn't nominated? Get the hell out of here, you and your severance package. This award's about being awesome, being loud and being awesomely loud, and these are the audio gods we have to thank for blessing us with their talents.
Next up at bat is Paul N.J Ottosson (the N.J. stands for "No Joke") for The Hurt Locker. KA-POW! Now we're dealing with bombs people, bombs in your face and bombs up your bottom. Road side bombs, eight-in-one wonder bombs, bombs in slo-motion, bombs like you wouldn't believe. The Hurt Locker is the only pick here that is actually all about blowing crap up, so this has a good chance at a win, even though it's severely lacking in the power loader department.
Rounding up on third is Wylie "The State Man" Stateman for Inglourious Basterds. BADOOSH! Features two angry Jewish guys unloading two full magazines from an automatic rifle into Hitler's dead face. I rest my case, a-thank you.
Cleaning up the order is Mark "The Shark" Stoeckinger and Alan "Spankin'" Rankin for Star Trek. CLIPPETY CLOP! This here is the dark horse of the bunch. Not quite sure that it's gonna win any other awards - which might just work in its favor - but it does have one thing these other chumps don't...lasers. I have no idea how the Academy feels about lasers and teleporting and space and whatnot, but I can't resist the sound of a good laser and I have to say that 2009 didn't have nearly enough of that to go around. Watch out for the Trek, folks, this one's a contender.
And finally we have Michael Silvers and Tom Myers for...Up? No, I don't think so. Earns my pick for best movie of the year, but talking dogs doesn't make up for zero explosions. Boooooooooooooo. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
But all in all, I think I speak for everyone...scratch that...I know I speak for everyone when I say that this was one hell of a year for hearing things in movies. So many sounds, so many edits, words truly can't describe the sheer excitement rumbling in my bowels right now.
So until next year, folks, keep listening.
