The LAMB Devours the Oscars - Best Actor

Editor's note: Welcome to the thirteenth of a 33-part series dissecting the 83rd Academy Awards, brought to you by the Large Association of Movie Blogs and its assorted members. Every day leading up to the Oscars, a new post written by a different LAMB will be published, each covering a different category of the Oscars. To read any other posts regarding this event, please click the tag following the post. Thank you, and enjoy!

by Univarn from A Life in Equinox: A Movie Lover's Journal

Hi and welcome to LAMBS Devour the Oscars: Best Actor. I'm Univarn. Over the next series of paragraphs I will be breaking down the upcoming Oscar nominees for the category of Best Actor. I am doing this because I said I would and because it seemed like a good idea at the time. So, before we begin, I feel the need to help you out by defining some of the above terms. It is my belief that by defining them, you will gain a better understanding of the importance of this category. Then, by gaining said understanding you will read this entire article and worship me as your new god. If that fails, you can make this article more bearable by substituting every fifth word with 'shit' and every definite article with 'crabs.' If the fifth word turns out to also be a definite article then you better begin weeping because you're about to be attacked by a Hispanic ninja from Africa (it's complicated).

Let's begin, shall we?

Best: Numero uno. Supreme master. Those deemed 'best' gain the right to refer to themselves in the third person, and kiss the nearest female celebrity. Practically, this works better if you're near Halle Berry and not Kathy Bates. Though I'm sure she's a lovely lady... *cough*

Actor: In ancient times actors were those individuals willing to crossdress on stage and act like females, falling passionately in love with men who had not drawn the short straw that evening. These days, they're men with a wide variety of insecurities who find escape from their physical selves by pretending to be other people.... they leave the crossdressing at home.

LAMB: An ancient baby species of animal that has survived five mass extinctions, three rather bad wars with pigeons, and the humiliation of being bossed around by a pig... heart of gold my ass. When a LAMB matures it turns into a SHEEP (Spirited Human for Entertainment Excitation and Prominence - that's right I came up with a perfectly acceptable acronym for sheep - take that Dylan!).

Devour: What I do when in the presence of a cheeseburger. You'll just have to trust me on this one.

Oscar: A nude male that makes most other men rather self conscious about how thin, and in turn tall, they actually are.

Now that you've been privy to such definitions you should be able to see a pattern. It's not very often an ancient species if offered the opportunity to do what I do to cheeseburgers with a nude man who will inevitably be given to a crossdresser just after they make out with a female celebrity. And in such honored times only one viable form of criticism will do: the LAMB scale. In the early days of humanity, men and sheep would love and frolic in the meadow lands. Their passion would produce LAMB-Human hybrids which would spread throughout the world. As LAMBs, we must seek out our own kind and champion them rightly so. It is, after all, the natural order of things.

Candidate #1: Javier Bardem (Biutiful) - 

Besides already owning one nude golden male (I am referring to his Oscar and not his recent child), Bardem has one glaring advantage over the other candidates: The face. Long and round, with the schnoz to match, Bardem's face has all the characteristics of a lamb all grown up. Unfortunately, he has one other major flaw: the hair. Wavy and black, if he's a lamb somewhere along the lines raven blood found its way into the mix and that we can not allow. It is well known that pigeons and ravens are among the same species. You start letting one into your heart and pretty soon they'll infiltrate your camps and destroy everything you love! Will that really happen? Who knows... but are you willing to take the risk?

I mean, come on... look what he did to Robert Duvall.

Candidate #2: James Franco (127 Hours) -

First we have to put up with the raven-lamb abomination (yeah, I said it), and now something I can only call a Mountain Goat *spits*. A lamb on a Bicycle in mountains and canyons? Inconceivable. Not to mention the whole cutting off of the limb. Every lamb knows that if you get trapped underneath a boulder the only thing to do is wail repeatedly and eventually Anthony Hopkins will come along.This Mountain Goat is stomping on the graves of our forefathers! In fairness he is stomping in place, and only on one grave, but the message is clear! The heathen shall not receive our love.

Candidate #3: Jeff Bridges (True Grit) -

To be quite honest, I haven't the fainest idea as to what species of animal Jeff Bridges is. The beard alone suggests some sort of bastardization of a Billy Goat, but his presence is far more like that of a bull or bear. With that aside we have only one thing to go on... his character name. Rooster Cogburn. ROOSTER!? More like Pigeon Cogburn! We see what games you're trying to play here. And to that we say a right BAAAAAAAAAH HUMBUG. Lambster Cogburn, now there's an intimidating name. Rooster? Might as well just be called Pickled Radish Cogburn and charge into combat with a beet in one hand and a white flag in the other.

Candidate #4: Colin Firth (The King's Speech) -

Now, here's a promising specimen. Promising indeed. LAMBs and SHEEP are known for having a bit of a stutter (a sign of our superiority over all other species) and here's a man who played a role about them. That's something we can get behind. Also, he's a British monarch which means the likelihood of him having been involved in pheasant hunting (another pigeon spy!) is rather high. Also something we can get behind. Very fine indeed. The hair is a bit of a misstep though. Looks more like a Horse with a comb-over than a LAMB. Yet, horses are our fellow four legged creatures so we shouldn't begrudge them too much (I mean, they're not goats after all). With that long waving hair, firm muscular thighs, and those long, thick, grithy... faces. *cough cough* I need a moment alone.

Candidate #5: Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network) -

My my my, what have we here? Oh, that succulent pasty white. The nose, long, but not too imposing. And the hair. Oh my word, the hair. Just look at those curls. I could nibble on them for hours! I believe folks, at long last, we have found our long lost brethren. The intellect alone is something we can get behind. You add the rest together and I think our champion is clear.

WE, the LAMBs would like to formally throw our support fully and wholeheartedly behind......

*drum roll*

*don't stop drum rolling, I didn't tell you to stop, get back there.. NOW!*

*are you crying? crying? There's no crying in LAMB! Jimmy Dugan would pee on your grave... for a very long time I'll add*

And so, our chosen winner is.........

COLIN FIRTH! 

What? Did you see Eisenberg typing? TYPING!? LAMBs have HOOVES, we don't *bleeping* type.