The LAMB Devours the Oscars - Best Actor

Editor's note: Welcome to the thirteenth of a 33-part series dissecting the 83rd Academy Awards, brought to you by the Large Association of Movie Blogs and its assorted members. Every day leading up to the Oscars, a new post written by a different LAMB will be published, each covering a different category of the Oscars. To read any other posts regarding this event, please click the tag following the post. Thank you, and enjoy!

by Univarn from A Life in Equinox: A Movie Lover's Journal

Hi and welcome to LAMBS Devour the Oscars: Best Actor. I'm Univarn. Over the next series of paragraphs I will be breaking down the upcoming Oscar nominees for the category of Best Actor. I am doing this because I said I would and because it seemed like a good idea at the time. So, before we begin, I feel the need to help you out by defining some of the above terms. It is my belief that by defining them, you will gain a better understanding of the importance of this category. Then, by gaining said understanding you will read this entire article and worship me as your new god. If that fails, you can make this article more bearable by substituting every fifth word with 'shit' and every definite article with 'crabs.' If the fifth word turns out to also be a definite article then you better begin weeping because you're about to be attacked by a Hispanic ninja from Africa (it's complicated).

Let's begin, shall we?

Best: Numero uno. Supreme master. Those deemed 'best' gain the right to refer to themselves in the third person, and kiss the nearest female celebrity. Practically, this works better if you're near Halle Berry and not Kathy Bates. Though I'm sure she's a lovely lady... *cough*

Actor: In ancient times actors were those individuals willing to crossdress on stage and act like females, falling passionately in love with men who had not drawn the short straw that evening. These days, they're men with a wide variety of insecurities who find escape from their physical selves by pretending to be other people.... they leave the crossdressing at home.

LAMB: An ancient baby species of animal that has survived five mass extinctions, three rather bad wars with pigeons, and the humiliation of being bossed around by a pig... heart of gold my ass. When a LAMB matures it turns into a SHEEP (Spirited Human for Entertainment Excitation and Prominence - that's right I came up with a perfectly acceptable acronym for sheep - take that Dylan!).

Devour: What I do when in the presence of a cheeseburger. You'll just have to trust me on this one.

Oscar: A nude male that makes most other men rather self conscious about how thin, and in turn tall, they actually are.

Now that you've been privy to such definitions you should be able to see a pattern. It's not very often an ancient species if offered the opportunity to do what I do to cheeseburgers with a nude man who will inevitably be given to a crossdresser just after they make out with a female celebrity. And in such honored times only one viable form of criticism will do: the LAMB scale. In the early days of humanity, men and sheep would love and frolic in the meadow lands. Their passion would produce LAMB-Human hybrids which would spread throughout the world. As LAMBs, we must seek out our own kind and champion them rightly so. It is, after all, the natural order of things.

Candidate #1: Javier Bardem (Biutiful) - 

Besides already owning one nude golden male (I am referring to his Oscar and not his recent child), Bardem has one glaring advantage over the other candidates: The face. Long and round, with the schnoz to match, Bardem's face has all the characteristics of a lamb all grown up. Unfortunately, he has one other major flaw: the hair. Wavy and black, if he's a lamb somewhere along the lines raven blood found its way into the mix and that we can not allow. It is well known that pigeons and ravens are among the same species. You start letting one into your heart and pretty soon they'll infiltrate your camps and destroy everything you love! Will that really happen? Who knows... but are you willing to take the risk?

I mean, come on... look what he did to Robert Duvall.

Candidate #2: James Franco (127 Hours) -

First we have to put up with the raven-lamb abomination (yeah, I said it), and now something I can only call a Mountain Goat *spits*. A lamb on a Bicycle in mountains and canyons? Inconceivable. Not to mention the whole cutting off of the limb. Every lamb knows that if you get trapped underneath a boulder the only thing to do is wail repeatedly and eventually Anthony Hopkins will come along.This Mountain Goat is stomping on the graves of our forefathers! In fairness he is stomping in place, and only on one grave, but the message is clear! The heathen shall not receive our love.

Candidate #3: Jeff Bridges (True Grit) -

To be quite honest, I haven't the fainest idea as to what species of animal Jeff Bridges is. The beard alone suggests some sort of bastardization of a Billy Goat, but his presence is far more like that of a bull or bear. With that aside we have only one thing to go on... his character name. Rooster Cogburn. ROOSTER!? More like Pigeon Cogburn! We see what games you're trying to play here. And to that we say a right BAAAAAAAAAH HUMBUG. Lambster Cogburn, now there's an intimidating name. Rooster? Might as well just be called Pickled Radish Cogburn and charge into combat with a beet in one hand and a white flag in the other.

Candidate #4: Colin Firth (The King's Speech) -

Now, here's a promising specimen. Promising indeed. LAMBs and SHEEP are known for having a bit of a stutter (a sign of our superiority over all other species) and here's a man who played a role about them. That's something we can get behind. Also, he's a British monarch which means the likelihood of him having been involved in pheasant hunting (another pigeon spy!) is rather high. Also something we can get behind. Very fine indeed. The hair is a bit of a misstep though. Looks more like a Horse with a comb-over than a LAMB. Yet, horses are our fellow four legged creatures so we shouldn't begrudge them too much (I mean, they're not goats after all). With that long waving hair, firm muscular thighs, and those long, thick, grithy... faces. *cough cough* I need a moment alone.

Candidate #5: Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network) -

My my my, what have we here? Oh, that succulent pasty white. The nose, long, but not too imposing. And the hair. Oh my word, the hair. Just look at those curls. I could nibble on them for hours! I believe folks, at long last, we have found our long lost brethren. The intellect alone is something we can get behind. You add the rest together and I think our champion is clear.

WE, the LAMBs would like to formally throw our support fully and wholeheartedly behind......

*drum roll*

*don't stop drum rolling, I didn't tell you to stop, get back there.. NOW!*

*are you crying? crying? There's no crying in LAMB! Jimmy Dugan would pee on your grave... for a very long time I'll add*

And so, our chosen winner is.........

COLIN FIRTH! 

What? Did you see Eisenberg typing? TYPING!? LAMBs have HOOVES, we don't *bleeping* type.

LAMBcast #43: The Social Network

Note: We need more guinea pigs for our LAMB of the Week segment! If you're up for an audio Blustering of your site, leave a comment here or shoot an email to blogcabins@yahoo.com.

Note 2: Potential noobs, we still want you! Got a mic and a desire to plug your site and just maybe get to know a few other awesome LAMBs? Go the the Forums, sign up for an upcoming show, and all your wildest dreams will come true.

Note 3: Your wildest dreams will not, in fact, come true. That was crazy hyperbole.

The long-awaited episode 43 has landed! We're almost back on schedule here, as episode 45 ought to be up sometime around Wednesday. In the meantime, host Jason is joined by James, Marshall and LAMBcast noob Univarn as they break down The Social Network. Yay, I made it through that without using a "Like" pun or anything like that. Also on tap:

* Listener Feedback
* LAMB of the Week: The Dark of the Matinee
* Trailer Talk: And Soon the Darkness
* Remember the Times

For the LAMB of the Week, we take a look at LAMB #120, The Dark of the Matinee:


If you'd like your site to be a future LAMB of the Week, hit me up via email and I'll add you to the queue.

If you're interested, you too can be a LAMBcaster - we love new blood! For more information on the LAMBcast, check out the topic at the LAMB Forums. Music provided royalty-free by Kevin MacLeod's Incompetech website. Big thanks to Kevin for providing this service. The LAMBcast loves feedback, too. Either here in the comments section or to blogcabins@yahoo.com or to our Facebook page. Also, we're on iTunes, and would still love a review, even if it's a bad one.

Thanks for listening!

PLUG: The Film Enigma (presented by A Life in Equinox)

A Life in Equinox is proud to present a brand new game show podcast: THE FILM ENIGMA. Featuring our fellow LAMB bloggers, The Film Enigma tackles movie trivia, with related movie challenges, built around your entertainment. Feel free to play along, and see how well you can do as well!

New episodes will be posted every two weeks, with new competitors ready to tackle new, and exciting challenges. Be sure to check out our pilot episode, featuring Mad Hatter of Dark of the Matinee and Alex of Film Forager, here!

You can also subscribe to it via iTunes or RSS

Got a Press Release, something to Plug, or a Screener available for review (or some combination of the three)? Ok, don't get all crazy about it. Just click here and give me the details (what, when, where, and a link, for starters) - I'll handle the rest.

Brutally Blunt Blog Blustering #40: A Life in Equinox

It's Blusterin' Time!

And remember: Blustering should be a two-way street; if you've asked to be blustered, you better be a blusterer.

If you're new to this feature or need a refresher, click the label at the bottom of this post and see the first few posts. Otherwise, here's the basics:

What I'll do is list a site; you're asked to critique it. But here's the catch: to induce the most honest reactions, don't leave the comment using your normal alias/login - instead, go anonymous, and be as brutally honest (or complimentary) as you wish to be. Also, be specific, and naturally, don't be rude. If I deem anything inappropriate, I'll have no problem deleting the comment.

So, go to the site listed below, familiarize yourself with it for a few minutes, then come back and leave some constructive criticism and/or comments that you have.

Site: A Life in Equinox: A Movie Lover's Journal
LAMB#: 403
URL: http://univarn.blogspot.com/
















If you're up for this treatment for your site (and you're a LAMB), send me an email with the subject "Bluster Me!" If you've already done so, no need to do it again - you're on the list, and these will be going up in order of when I received your email (by the way, it could take a while for your site to be Blustered, since I don't run this more than once a week or so).

PLUG: A Life in Equinox

A Life in Equinox Proudly presents THE FINAL LINE PROJECT. Kicking off this week, and every Wednesday, LiE will bring you the final line ever spoken by some of the greatest actors and actresses in history. Their final cinematic farewells to the fans who adore them. From the triumphant calls to the simple lines, we'll be taking the time to appreciate those who have given us so very much. But, LiE can't do this alone. We need your help! To compile such a list will require the effort of many bloggers, from various backgrounds, and tastes. To find out how you can help click here, for a current list of completed performers, and rules!

Look forward to hearing from you all soon!

Got a Press Release, something to Plug, or a Screener available for review (or some combination of the three)? Ok, don't get all crazy about it. Just click here and give me the details (what, when, where, and a link, for starters) - I'll handle the rest.

For Your Consideration: A Life in Equinox

Hey you! Send me an FYC image and I will put it up! I don't care if I get one from 50 sites, I'll find a way to get them all up, and as soon as possible (the nomination voting period only lasts until May 12th!). When you're ready to vote, do it here: http://www.misterpoll.com/polls/482056

FYC #15 is for LAMB #403, A Life in Equinox.

PLUG: A Life in Equinox

A Life in Equinox: A Movie Lover's Journal is proud to announce 23 Days of Kurosawa, kicking off March 1st, and leading up to the centennial celebration of Kurosawa's birthdate on March 23rd, 2010.

The entire list of films to be reviewed, and entire event details can be found here.

As well, anyone who would like to submit their reviews, opinions, anything Kurosawa related, can email me at lifeinequinox@gmail.com

Thanks!

Got a Press Release, something to Plug, or a Screener available for review (or some combination of the three)? Ok, well don't get all crazy about it. Just click here and give me the details - I'll handle the rest.

LAMB #403 - A Life in Equinox - A Movie Lover's Journal

URL: http://univarn.blogspot.com/
Site Name: A Life in Equinox - A Movie Lover's Journal
Categories: General, Reviews, Humor (arguably), Extreme Randomness
Rating: PG-13 - When I curse I do it for medicinal purposes.

What is the main focus of your site?
Focus? focus.... Oh look a pineapple! Oh yeah, right my blog. To boldly go where countless blogs have gone before! Or if you want the "boring" answer: I write reviews, do some silly posts every now and then, lots of link love for the blogs I read, rant if I feel up to it, all because I care.... *cough*.

What are your blogging goals, personally and/or professionally? In other words, what, if anything, are you trying to get out your blog?
None. No goals. Never think that far ahead with this blog. Everything I write is spur of the moment, popped into my head, decided to go with it. Same for my reviews, it's all about what I'm feeling like at a particular time. Which explains why you'll often read things on my blog that no person in their right mind would ever write...

Do you prefer an interactive community for your blog or are you the teacher and your readers the students?
INTERACTIVE! You can tell I'm serious because I typed it in caps and included a !. I rest my case (just assume I had a case that I just rested and it was awesome). Seriously though, film is so much easier to enjoy when you have people who challenge you to really figure out why you like a film.

How long have you been movie blogging for, and how frequent do you post updates to your site?
Well, today officially marks the 3 month period for my blog here (insert applause here), prior to that I maintained (off and on) a review journal on rottentomatoes for about 5 years. I can do anywhere from 1 to 5 posts a day though I tend to average in the 2-3 range.

Name up to three of your favorite movies (and no more).
Seven Samurai, Harvey, Limelight

How did you hear about the LAMB?
Saw a link to it on The Dark of the Matinee a few months back, been buying my time since then.

Any additional comments, or give yourself an interview question that's not listed above.
It would be weird if I gave myself a question here. Well Ryan what do you think of your blog? Well Ryan thanks for asking, I'd just like to say that my blog is the best blog on the entire internet... if you have very low expectations. On the bright side though if you do read my blog you won't killed by alien zombies. It's true, scientific fact, how many other blogs can guarantee that? :)