Clash of the Lambs: Don't Insult the Man's Mule, and Get Off His Lawn, Punk!

The board is set. The pieces are moving. Let there be blood!

What it is, Lambs! Sebastian from Films From the Supermassive Black Hole here, ready to fill the graves with another edition of Clash of the Lambs. Every week, I pit character against character and leave it to you, the voter, to decide the outcome. What's that? You cheer for blood? By jove, you'll have it!

But first, a recap!

So, last week, the representatives from each of the Oscar favorites took to the ring. The fight began, and the field was cut down by half almost immediately. Nic got a call about a family crisis, and had to make a quick departure. Mickey got a call about his brother jumping out of a window, and had to make a quick departure. Doug got a call about a really good deal on a piece of real estate in Tangerine, Florida, and had to make a quick departure. And Woody realized that he can't exist outside the realm of an animated movie, and simply vanished. The remainder of the fighters turned toward each other. Aron, Dom, and Mark were the first to fall. Mark was instantly brought down by Aron, who cut off his own arm and used it as a club. He then turned to Dom, who simply got in Aron's head and gave him the idea that climbing up the walls of the ring and jumping off was a great plan. Exit Ralston. Dom turned to Nina, and tried to get in her head, until he realized that her mind was already so screwed up that he could get in. This realization caused him to combust. I don't yet know why. Nina was about to lay down some pain on Scott Pilgrim, until Rooster charged her with his horse's reins in his teeth, dual wielding his revolvers, giving the ballerina her last dance. It was just Pilgrim and Rooster. The grizzled Marshall fired effectively, and landed a few hits on the Canadian slacker, but it proved fruitless. Pilgrim charged up, drew The Power of Love from his chest, and sliced Roosted in half, causing him to turn into coins. Pilgrim stood victorious, but then something happened. There was a flash, and his head fell off. In his place, stood Abby.

THAT'S RIGHT!!! The little vamp from Let Me In, furious about how her film was so criminally overlooked broke into the ring and annihilated the competition. Guess we should have payed the film a bit more attention, but we didn't listen! WE DIDN'T LISTEN!!!

The Results


Mickey, Nic, Woody, and Doug: 0 votes (I could have sworn a boxer, a robber, a toy, and a badass lesbian would have done better.)
Mark, Aron, and Dom: 1 vote (Mind reading, self mutilation, and a billion dollars can only take you so far, it seems.)
Nina: 2 votes (She wasn't quite perfect.)
Rooster: 5 votes (He really is getting fat.)
Scott Pilgrim: 9 votes (Video games are cheap.)
Abby: Winner By Default! (Suck on that, bitches!!!)

Seriously, give Let Me In another look. It's really good.

Ok, back to normal. Since Oscar is fast approaching, the next few weeks will be dealing with people whom Oscar adore. First up, the most badass man ever featured on a banner of a blog whose initials are CTCMR (appreciate my plug, Aiden). He is Clint Eastwood, and he is in the ring today!

Fighter 1: The Man With No Name

Rocking the Mexican Poncho like it ain't no thang, smoking black ciggies, and sporting a pair of impeccable six shooters, The Man With No Name could kill you, five other guys, your horses, bur down the town, fly to the moon, shoot things there, come back, and then go to breakfast. Legendary for his mastery of the quickdraw, he's been known to gun down a whole gang of men without any of them even firing a shot. His beard alone is tougher than most men, and yes I did just shamelessly riff on a "Most Interesting Man In the World" joke. He also loves his mule, so don't insult it, cuz he'll take it personally, and believe me, you do not want him to take anything personally.

Fighter 2: Dirty Harry

The most awesome of law enforcers to ever walk the streets of my fair city (Bullit just misses the cut), Dirty Harry Callahan is one of the first people you think of when you think of "cool". To see him calmly interrupt his lunch to stop a robbery, and keep count of how many times he fired his .44 Magnum is almost awe inspiring. You might be feeling lucky, but I wouldn't risk it.

Fighter 3: Walt Kowalski

Sure, he's a drunkard. Sure, he's a racist. Sure, he loves his car more than he loves people. But, by golly, when the man tells you to get off his lawn, you better get the hell off his lawn! Sporting a trusty M1 Carbine, a pistol, and more gruff than you could shake a retirement home brochure at, this senior citizen is one tough cookie. He's old, sure, but he could still kick your ass.

As always folks, let's not make this a popularity contest. The Man With No Name may be fast, but can he match the power of Harry's magnum? Harry may be fearless, but his carefree attitude may provide a window for Walt to strike. Walt may be old and experienced, but his age will no doubt present younger, more nimble fighters, like the Man With No Name, opportunity to deliver the killing blow. Think it over. Who would actually win.

I know it's pointless to ask, since I won't be hearing from you, but, if you have any ideas for who you'd like to see in a match, don't be coy little sheep! Sound off in the comments for send an e-mail for sebguts10@yahoo.com. I want to hear from you. It gets rather lonely in my office.

Ok, it looks like everyone is ready. All three have loaded their guns. The Man With No Name's poncho is lookin' fresh; Harry is giving off his usual air of cool; Walt is pissed off and ready to deliver some pain. The crowd is going wild! Let's make it happen!

3! 2! 1! FIGHT!!!

Clash of the Lambs: Attack of the 2010 Leads

What it is LAMBS. Sebastian from Films From the Supermassive Black Hole here (no, I'm not dead), ready to kill off another beloved movie character with Clash of the Lambs. Every week, I pit character against character and leave it to you, the voted, to decide the winner. What's that? You cheer for blood? By jove, you'll have it!

I sincerely apologize for my absence in the past weeks. A combination of finals, disease, end of the year retrospectives, arena maintenance, computer maintenance, and lack of characters willing to step forward all contributed to the bloodless weeks. Well, I'm back, disease free, new year begun, and with finals a healthy 4 months off. I'm ready to get back to work. Let's do this.

Oh, right, recap. Uhh... yeah. Ginger Rodgers beat Satine. Not surprised.

Moving on. With the new year begun, and the Golden Globes being handed out last night, we are officially in the thick of awards season. Film will be competing against film for ownership of the top spot. Well, my epically epic arena of epically epic epicness is not beneath getting in on the competition. After sending out a memo, ten of the biggest and best of the year got back to me, with each of their respective fighters, ready to dish out the pain. This one is gonna be big.

Fighter 1: Nina Sayers (Black Swan)

Though she is a pathetic creature, she will gain an advantage over the competition by getting into their heads with her rapidly declining mental state. Her freak outs will freak them out, and while they are curled in little balls on the ground, she'll run over to them, and stab with a piece of glass, her weapon of choice. 

Fighter 2: Nic (The Kids Are All Right)

Again, not much of an actual fighter, but it's her other qualities that will beat the crap out of you. Excluding the fact that she has the ability to call down a legion of all powerful lesbians to kick you to pieces, her stinging vocabulary and ability to win any argument will just shut you down in an instant. You'll be standing there, dumbfounded, and then you will just explode. 

Fighter 3: Aaron Ralston (127 Hours)

He cut off his own arm to survive! He is more badass than you on his worst days! Be afraid!

Fighter 4: Dom Cobb (Incpetion)

Forget about he can, literally, get inside your head and mess with your mind, stealing secrets and whatnot. He is a very capable combatant in real life, with solid hand to hand skills and good aim with a pistol. Of course, he could get in your head and just perform inception, giving his opponent the idea to kill themselves. That could work too. 

Fighter 5: Scott Pilgrim (Scott Pilgrim vs. the World)

Since this ring is not based on which movie was better, but rather on the capabilities of the character, Scott Pilgrim is heavy favorite. With awesome, video game enhanced, kung-fu skills, mad bass skills, and the ability to conjure sword just by saying that he loves someone, all the other combatants this week will need to watch out. He does have the ability to gain extra lives, but, since that would be cheating, use of this skill will result in immediate disqualification. He better watch himself. I'm fair, but I'm strict!

Fighter 6: Mickey Ward (The Fighter)

An actual fighter should prove to be a forced to be reckoned with here. With fists of fury, and a tenacity not becoming of one who values their nose, Mr. Ward is one tough cookie. With his loyal and rehabilitated brother, Dicky, on the sides, shouting words of encouragement, Mickey will be almost unstoppable!

Fighter 7: Woody (Toy Story 3)

Yeah, he's a toy. Noah was drunk, and look what he accomplished. Woody is mighty small compared to all the other, human sized, competitors, but he has many things in his favor. First, he has the undying loyalty of a bonafide legion of toys. Also, he's small, so he'll be very hard to hit. He may not look like much, but this one could prove to be a menace!

Fighter 8: Doug McCray (The Town)

Doug McCray is a good man, but a dangerous one. Skilled with an assault rifle, his quick mind and tactical ability is what will put him over the top. He psychotic partner, Jem, is always at his calling, so there's that too. Though he has betrayed the one rule of crime, developing a conscience, he is one to be wary of. Also, he may just curse you into oblivion. Seriously, people from Boston are foul mouthed!

Fighter 9: Rooster Cogburn (True Grit)

Yes, he's a drunk. Yes, he's fat. Yes, he is probably way past his golden years. See though, he knows all that. An opponent who recognizes his flaws is, sometimes, the most dangerous kind. If he hasn't been hitting the bottle too much, he is a dead eye with a pistol, and merciless killer. He is also quite good at intimidation. I mean, seeing a dude charge at you, firing two revolvers, and steering his horse with his teeth is a mighty scary sight. Plus, he has an eye patch, which automatically puts him high on the badass meter.

Fighter 10: Mark Zuckerberg (The Social Network)

Ok, this one is kind of a wash. Zuckerberg is kind of a pussy, doesn't possess any skills in combat, and is more interested in becoming popular than anything. But, since The Social Network is, like, the only movie anyone can talk about this year, he has to fight, so I'm letting him in, if only because it will be really amusing seeing this guy get ripped apart by everyone else. He may surprise us, but probably not.

Alright kids! Let's make it happen. As always, let's not make this a popularity contest. The Social Network may be sweeping the awards, but there is no way that Mark can beat Cobb or Mickey or Nina. Seriously, if Mark wins, I'm calling shenanigans. Think it over. Who would actually win here?

Once again, since I can't say it enough, I need your ideas. I know you have them, so let me hear them. Who do you want to see fight? Send me an e-mail at sebguts10@yahoo.com, or sound off in the comments.

Ok, time to go. All the contestants are ready. Let's make it happen!

3! 2! 1! FIGHT!!!!!

Clash of the LAMBS: Sing It For The Girls

The board is set. The pieces are moving. Let there be blood!

What it is LAMBs. Sebastian from Films From the Supermassive Black Hole here with another edition of Clash of the Lambs! Every week, I pit character against character and leave it to you, the voter, to decide the victor. What's that? You cheer for blood? By jove, you'll have it!

Before we continue, a recap of last week. This one wasn't really a contest at all. A musical star from back in the day had to rely on talent, solid dance skills, and a genuinely good voice to get by. A musical star from today need only rely on a good set of deceptive auto-tunings to get by. So, by that rationale, Fred Astaire whooped Christian's ass! All the fleet footed man had to do was saunter into the ring, and start tap dancing. The awesomeness of it was too much fro Christian, who's head literally exploded from the pressure. Nice!

The Results
Any Fred Astaire Character Ever: 13 Votes (Can't fake talent like that)
Christian: 1 Vote (Some "Nature Boy" he turned out to be)

Since I am a man of fair shares, I want the women represented in this category to have a chance to shine. So, this week, we'll be looking at the other side of the spectrum. Instead of deep, booming baritones and fair, saintly tenors, we'll be dealing with soft and light altos and powerful, soulful sopranos.

Once again, I can't say anything that these lovely ladies can't sing, so, I'll let them just go at it.

Any Ginger Rogers Character Ever





Satine





Ok, usual jargon. Don't make it popularity contest! You've heard it before.

Ok, seriously! I want some damn ideas! You have my e-mail. Here it is again, just in case. sebguts10@yahoo.com. I know you have ideas for this feature! I want to hear them, god damn it!

Ok, everyone's ready. The stadium is ringing with each women's belting voice, and it sounds awesome! The crowd is going wild! Let's make it happen!

3! 2! 1! FIGHT!!!

Clash of the Lambs: Sing It For The Boys

The board is set. The pieces are moving. Let there be blood!

What it is LAMBs! Sebastian from Films From the Supermassive Black Hole here, ready to watch you drown in death with another edition of Clash of the Lambs. Every week, I pit character against character, and leave it to you, the voter to decide the victor. What's that? You cheer for blood? By jove, you'll have it!

Before we continue, a recap of last week's fight.

Uh, yeah. Patrick Bateman won. Not surprised there. Jigsaw gets by sneaking up on his victims, capturing them, and forcing them into traps. Well, that plan was screwed from the second the fight started, since Bateman could see his opponent from the start. He just ran up to him, beat him in the head with an axe, all while screaming about reservations at some restaurant, or something like that. Kinda anti-climatic.

The Results
Patrick Bateman: 10 Votes (His was the best business card after all.)
John Kramer aka Jigsaw: 5 Votes (A game he couldn't win.)

Well, people. The time has come. The beginning of this feature highlighted a lot of people and characters who are skilled in the art of death. Put simply, they kill a lot of things in their movies. But, to ask who would win in a fight amongst two killing machines is not the point of this feature. No, the point is to ask, who would win in a fight between two characters who have never held a weapon in their lives. I was testing the waters, seeing how the reception of the feature was. It's been great, so now the real fun can begin. We'll still focus on some great cinematic warriors, but we'll also focus on guys like this.

Musicals have been making a comeback of sorts into the modern day film industry, haven't they. Where once there were none, there are now one of two. Burlesque opened this past weekend, and, despite the fact that it has been reported to suck harder than a Hoover, it tops off the growing trend. This week's fight will focus on two male musical stars, one from way back when, and the one who was responsible for the current uptick. Enjoy.

I can't really say anything to the point here, so I'll just let the contestants sing for themselves.

Fighter 1: Any Fred Astaire Character Ever





Fighter 2: Christian





As always, don't make it popularity contest. You've heard this jargon before. You know the deal. Don't do it!

Once again people, e-mail your damn ideas! I know you have them. I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!!!!

Well, I think everyone's all set. Both men have warmed up their vocal chords sufficiently. The crowd is going nuts. Let's make it happen!

3! 2! 1! FIGHT!!!

Clash of the Lambs: Fa Fa Fa Fa Fa Fa Fa Fa Fa Fa

The board is set. The pieces are moving. Let there be blood!

What it is LAMBs! Sebastian from Films From the Supermassive Black Hole here, ready to watch you drown in the sweet sounds of pain with another edition of Clash of the Lambs. Every week, I pit character against character, and leave it to you, the voter, to decide the victor. What's that? You cheer for blood? By jove, you'll have it!

But, first a recap!

Last week's brawl was the closest I have seen yet in my ring of epically epic epicness! The two psycho killers stood on either side, readying their weapons of choice. John Doe readied his knife, and checked to make sure his back up pistol was secure. Hannibal readied his eating utensils, and sharpened his carving knife. The battle began. It was too close to call at the outset, with each fighter dealing a blow for everyone that they received. But then, Doe pulled ahead, performing such gruesome acts of punishment on Hannibal that the good doctor almost relented. But, it was not to be. Hannibal mustered up his strength, and was eventually matching Doe, blow for blow, again. But, then, he pulled ahead, by muttering something to JD about how insecure he is or something. This distressed the sinly serial killer, giving Hannibal an opening to deliver the killing blow. His victim at his feet, Hannibal the Cannibal called for a bottle of Chianti and set about doing what he did best. A lot of people had to be escorted out of the arena due to the gruesome nature of the feast.

The Results
Hannibal Lecter: 21 Votes (It's all the protein in human flesh. It gives you an edge.)
John Doe: 18 Votes (Guess he peaked when he killed Mrs. Brad Pitt.)

Well, the demand was just too much, and I was amazed at the turnout of the last one. So, I decided to have another pair of psycho killers go at this week. Both of these guys would have serious beef with the other. One is a narcissistic douche with a horribly cliched taste in music. The other one is on a mission to teach people the errors in their ways. Unfortunately, that usually means killing them in incredibly gory fashion. This one should be fun.

Fighter 1: Patrick Bateman

Meet Patrick. Patrick is a successful Wall Street financier. He is engaged to a pretty woman. He has a close group of friends. He has a bitching apartment, and is in impeccable shape. Unfortunately, he is a narcissistic asshole; he cheats on his fiance with hooker after hooker; he is obsessed with one upping his peers; and he has a habit of butchering people in his apartment. Dude's got some issues. A troubled man with a penchant for murder, Patrick Bateman is skilled in the use of all manner of sharp things that can killer, ranging from axes, to knives, to nail guns. He ain't bad with a pistol either. He would have a real problem with his competition in this fight, as Jigsaw has more of a reputation, which is something that Patrick cannot stand. He must kill off this insect so that he can be top dog. Dude's got some serious issues. 

Fighter 2: John Kramer aka Jigsaw

So, this guy is a bit different. Joh Kramer was just a regular guy, until an event changed his life forever. He now lives to test people, to show them how valuable their lives really are. He's not a killer per-se, but, let's just forget that little tidbit and just drop him into the category for the purposes of the fight. His method of murder is far more elaborate than anyone else's. He designs intricate and brutal traps and tests for his victims to navigate. If they can make it out alive, usually after enduring intense psychological and physical trauma, they have passed. If not, they are either torn limb from limb, melted, decapitated, eviscerated, or other forms of gory death. How he will manage to fight Bateman is a mystery, but, if he is able to get him into a trap, then everyone's favorite Wall Street killer is gonna be in some serious trouble. 

As always, let's not make this a popularity contest. Think it over. Who would actually win? Patrick Bateman may be more capable of a fighter, but, if he falls into one of Jigsaw's traps, then he is done for. Kramer may be more popular, but, Bateman is far greater physical specimen. Who would be the victor, in the real world?

Seriously people! Send me ideas! I can only think of so many. Send an e-mail to sebguts10@yahoo.com or sound off in the comments. I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!

Alright, I think everyone is ready to go. Bateman is sharpening his axe. Jigsaw is building a trap. The crowd is going wild. Let's make it happen!

3! 2! 1! FIGHT!!!

Clash Of The Lambs: PSA

The board is set. The pieces are moving. Let there... oh, screw it.

Hey all. Sebastian from Films From the Supermassive Black Hole here with a quick update on this weeks bout. We currently have a tie. Both Hannibal and John Doe are enjoying a take of 50% of the votes each. This will not do. Ties are not accepted in my ring of infinitely awesome pain!! You have one more day to vote. If you have not, I urge you to. Only one can win. Make it count! Do your part! Let's do this! \m/ \m/

Clash of the Lambs: Qu'est-ce Que C'est?

What it is LAMBs! Sebastian from Films From the Supermassive Black Hole here, ready to quench your thirst for violence with another edition of Clash of the Lambs. Every week, I pit character against character, and leave it to you to decide the victor. What's that? You cheer for blood? By jove, you'll have it!

Apologies for last week. The arena was undergoing some management issues, and I was unable to contact any people that would be willing to fight. Fear not, though. I've ironed out all the problems in the administration, and we are back on schedule.

This week, we are going to take a route less travelled in these types of games. Today, I'm throwing two characters into the ring. Neither are incredibly adept at kicking ass. Neither of them can claim to have taken down a horde of henchmen with a machine gun, or blew up a building using an obscene amount of explosives. What these two men can brag about, however, is how they made us tremble in our seats as they revealed their exploits to us. This week will not focus on a alien badass, or a gifted warrior. No, this week, we are going to pit psycho killer against psycho killer.

Fighter 1: Hannibal Lecter

A man with quite appetite, Dr. Hannibal Lecter somehow manages to be terrifying even though we rarely see him off anyone. Under the moniker Hannibal the Cannibal, Dr. Lecter is the worst kind of killer. He'll kill you, and leave no evidence. How? He eats you! Lovely individual, wouldn't you say? He's been known to escape a prison by killing a guard, then wearing his victim's face to elude everyone else. He is also fond of fava beans and Chianti, which is, you know, a good wine, so, don't judge him to hard for that.

Fighter 2: John Doe

Quite possibly the most screwed up of all members of the serial killer pantheon, John Doe is, outwardly, not much of a menace. Inwardly, he is one of the most dangerous murderers to stalk the screen. Only killing people who have committed one of the seven deadly sins, this one is practically a ghost, successfully dodging the detectives hunting him down. So devious is he, that when he is captured, his plan is still being put into motion, culminating with one the most disturbing twists in recent memory. John Doe has various methods of killing you. He will force feed you to death, make you cut off your own flesh, tie you to a bed and keep you from moving for a whole year, force someone to have sex with a bladed dildo, or cut off your head and put it in a box. He gives most all other serial killers runs for their money. Hannibal better watch out.

As always, let's not make this a popularity contest. Sure, Lecter has been around longer, but Doe is significantly better at dispatching people. Doe may have the shock factor on his side, but in no way does he match Lecter for smarts. Think it over. Who would actually win in this fight?

Again, if you have ideas of who you'd like to see in the mix here, don't be coy little sheep. Sound off in the comments, or send an e-mail to sebguts10@yahoo.com. I didn't get very many suggestions on the last poll. I want more!

Alright, the contestants have taken the ring. They are just standing there, looking at each other. I'm going to assume that they are ready. The crowd is going wild. Let's make it happen.

3! 2! 1! FIGHT!!!!

Clash of the Lambs: Where Is It?

...

I do sincerely apologize LAMBs. I cannot provide you with your weekly doses of blood and gore, as I have not had time to find adequate competitors. I've been embroiled in a show at school which opens this week, so, all my free time has been taken up by rehearsals, set buildings, and music and dance practice. I know. You expect more from me. I beg forgiveness. Could you ever forgive me?

I can however give you the play by play from last week's championship match. It was pretty much one sided, but still a crown pleaser.

So, the Predator and the Tripod faced each other down. The Tripod let out multiple blasts from its heat ray, sending the Predator scrambling for cover, disabling its cloaking the process. The dreadlocked hunter immediately turned around and send plasma bolt after plasma bolt at the towering war machine, taking down its shields. It the got in close, and, using its wrist blades, hacked at the Tripod's organic legs, sending the head crashing to the ground. The aliens inside tried to escape, but the Predator easily caught them and did what he did best.

The Results
The Predator: 14 Votes (Supreme Alien BAMF)
The Tripod: 4 Votes (Guess it had a cold that day)

Well... this is awkward...

Oooo, wait, I have an idea! Seeing as I am still waiting to hear from you all on who you'd like to see duke it out, I'm gonna make it even easier to relay your messages to me. Disregard the answers there already. PollDaddy only lets me create a poll if there are at least two answers. Just type in what you want. Sound good? Fantastic! I'm thrilled we understand each other.

Clash of the Lambs: Invasion Showdown

The board is set. The pieces are moving. Let there be blood!!

What it is LAMBs. Sebastian from Films From the Supermassive Black Hole here, ready to satisfy your cravings with another edition of Clash of the Lambs. Every week, I pit character against character and leave it to you to decide the victor. What's that? You cheer for blood? By jove, you'll have it!

For those who missed it, a recap of last weeks fight. After giving my PR department a piece of my mind, I turned my attention to the fight at hand. This was one of the closest fights in Clash history. Every contestant dealt a deadly blow to others, but only one came out on top in the end. With the Na'vi in the sky on its Ikran, the Tripod towering over the field, and the Prawn in its mech suit, there was no clear favorite in the beginning. The tripod fired its heat ray at the Na'vi while trying to lasso up the Prawn with its tentacles. The Na'vi ran strafing runs on both parties, firing its wicked arrows with deadly precision. The Prawn's superior firepower lay waste to the Tripod's shields, and brought down the Na'vi warrior's mount, sending the blue alien crashing to the ground. The Pandora native did not take kindly to that, and immediately sent an arrow flying at the Prawn, penetrating its armor, and instantly killing it. With the refugee out of the way, the shield-less Tripod and the mount-less Na'vi turned to face each other. It was tricky. The Tripod was relentless with its heat ray, but the Na'vi was too quick. It got up on the machine's shell, and attempted to get in. Unfortunately, the Tripod sent a tentacle up to ensnare the Na'vi. With the it's opponent captured, the Tripod sent a out a burst of heat ray, disintegrating the creature from Pandora.

The Results
The Tripods: 9 Votes (Did not see that coming, to be honest.)
The Na'vi: 8 Votes (Guess being wealthier than some countries can only take you so far.)
The Prawns: 7 Votes (If only they had the sweetie man.)

So, get this. I walk into my office of pain this morning, and who do I find, but the Predator, all sombre and badass, the Xenomorph's skull still clutched in its hands. It was not happy. It did not like the fact that there was another extra-terrestrial out there that could soundly defeat multitudes of other species. How I figured out that this is what he meant is beyond me, as Predator's only talk in growls and roars. Anyway, his point came across. The hunter wanted to challenge the Tripod in one-on-one combat for the title of True Intergalactic Badass! I was getting weary of all this alien tomfoolery, but, those wrist blades are mighty effective instruments in persuasion. As I write this, my IT guys are working on a new robotic arm for me. Anyway, my hands were tied. We have a Championship Match in store for us this week.

As always, let's not make it a popularity contest. The Predator may have taken down the Xenomorph and the guys who blew up the White House, but that heat ray looks mighty dangerous for over here. The Tripod may have taken down the most profitable aliens of all time, but, a lot of the machine is made from organic material, and those wrist blades of the Predator's are wicked sharp. I should know. Think about it. Who would actually win?

Reminder: If you have ideas of fights you'd like to see played out in the ring, don't be coy little sheep. Sound off in the comments section or send an e-mail to sebguts10@yahoo.com. I will do everything in my power to make sure your bloodlust is satiated.

Alright, well, my new arm has been fitted on, and is working quite nicely. The Predator is activating its cloaking device. The Tripod is warming up its heat rays. I think it's about to time to start. The crowd is going wild. Let's make it happen!

3! 2! 1! FIGHT!!!







This is the last alien fight for awhile, I promise. 

Clash of the Lambs: Invasion: Part Deux

The board is set. The pieces are moving. Let there be blood!

What it is LAMBs. Sebastian from Films From the Supermassive Black Hole here, ready to satiate your never ending thirst for blood with another edition of Clash of the Lambs. Every week, I pit character against character and leave it to you to choose the victor.

For those who missed it, a recap of last week's fight. The Predator, the Xenomorph, and the Nameless Ones all took the ring. To everyone's surprise, this fight was significantly longer than previous ones, as every combatant dealt at least one devastating blow. The fight began, and, as the Predator and Xenomorph danced around each other, the Nameless Ones got an early lead. The fired their city-leveling weapon at the Xenomorph. It missed, but managed to destroy the entire nest of Facehugger eggs. This pissed off the Xenomorph, who quickly scaled the walls of the ring and leapt on the alien craft. It got inside, and, as the Predator wailed on the ship with its plasma beam, got to the control room, killed every creature in there, and sent the massive cruiser crashing to the earth. With the Nameless Ones destroyed, the two remaining fighters turned back on each other. The Xenomorph got in close, dealing massive damage to the Predator. The intergalactic hunter, thanks to its improved strength, was able to throw the Xenomorph off him and vaporize him with a well placed shot of his plasma rifle. The ultimate badass let out a roar of victory, holding the Xenomorph's head in the air like a trophy!

The Results
The Predator: 14 Votes (Whew. No nuclear bomb necessary.)
The Xenomorph: 10 Votes (Guess those stupid AVP movies got to people's heads.)
The Nameless Ones: 2 Votes (They can destroy cities and pose a threat to Will Smith. Even that isn't enough.)

LAMBs, let me confess something to you. Your loyal MC really needs to hire a new PR firm. When word went out that I was letting these aliens duke it out, a got another letter from another representative of three other species that felt left out. Never one to back away from putting on an interesting fight, I decided to let these cinematic ETs duke it out this week. One is a gigantic native of a hostile world with a huge grudge against the human race. One is an unsympathetic invader with really killer war machines. One is a refugee living in squalor on Earth. All are dangerous! Two will die! One will survive!

Fighter 1: The Na'vi

These guys are quite deceptive. Though they appear to be tree hugging pushovers, these guys are actually quite vicious when it comes to warfare. They ousted a military campaign comprised of flying attack choppers, mech suits, and a lot of fire power, with bows, arrows, and really big birds. Their arrows are more akin to spears; their knives are more akin to swords. They are incredibly athletic, can throw a human like football, and are very hard to kill. They are susceptible to gun fire, and their reliance on nature will no doubt prove to be a setback. However, these guys are still one of the more dangerous species in the galaxy.

Fighter 2: The Tripods

Though they didn't last very long, the Tripods sure as hell gave the humans a run for their money. They emerged from the ground one day, and began to lay waste to the world with heat rays that turned humans to ash and smashed even the toughest building. They then started taking humans hostage and harvesting their blood to grow a red weed that would slowly turn the Earth into a planet more akin to their own. They are towering and intimidating, even more so when you realize that they have a shield over their shells that protects from all forms of attack. Though they susceptible to disease, these guys are going to be very tough to beat.

Fighter 3: The Prawns

These guys sure came from behind, didn't they? Once lowly refugees at the mercy of the cruel and intolerant humans, the Prawns eventually rose up to fight back, winning a decisive victory against their assailants. Though they are as fragile as humans, they can jump enormous heights, and are incredibly strong, able to throw someone several feet. They posses devastating weaponry that only they can use, and are backed up with a truly awesome mech suit armed with lightning, machine, and gravity guns. They may not look like much, but these guys can mess you up!

As always, remember. This isn't a popularity contest. The Na'vi may be big and blue, but one blast from a tripod's heat ray will kill them pretty fast. The prawns may possess some serious firepower, but one of those Na'vi arrows will put them down for good. The Tripods may have the shield, but get past that and they are at the mercy of the Prawn's superior firepower. Think it over. Who would actually win here?

As always, if you have ideas of fights you'd like to see, don't be coy little sheep. Sound off in the comments or send and e-mail to sebguts10@yahoo.com. I promise, I'll get my PR firm on it right away.

Well, I think everyone's about ready to do. The Na'vi is chanting their war cry. The Tripod is lighting up it's heat ray. The Prawn is starting up its mech suit. The crowd is going wild. Let's make it happen.

3! 2! 1! FIGHT!!!





Who Reigns Supreme?online survey

Clash of the Lambs: Invasion

What it is LAMBs! Sebastian from Films From the Supermassive Black Hole here to provide your weekly intake of gore with another edition of Clash of the Lambs! Every week, I pit character against character and leave it to you to decide the victor. What's that? You cheer for blood? By jove, you'll have it!

For those of you who missed it, a recap of last weeks fight! Apparently, people were so shocked by Maximus' domination of the competition that they stayed away! Despite that, the fight was significantly better balanced, although there was a clear winner in the end. The three perpetrators of alien genocide took the ring. Both Dutch and Ripley, immediately turned on Hiller, who couldn't get to his plane on time. He was brought down by fire from Ripley's pulse rifle, and finished off by Dutch, who dropped a tree on him! The two remaining warriors then turned on each other. Dutch managed to wound Ripley with his bow and arrow, but, the feminine badass quickly got into her power loader and ripped Dutch in half with it! Yeesh!

The Results
Dutch: 3 Votes (Alright. Not as big of a landslide!)
Ellen Ripley: 9 Votes (Guess killing one species for four films drives the point home!)
Capt. Steven Hiller: 0 Votes (Guess NASA aren't the only people who don't want him!)

Well LAMBs, it seems I've been a bit intolerant. I got a very strongly worded letter just the other day from a representative of the creatures that these three people so merrily butchered. Get this, they wanted to have a turn in the ring! I know! Crazy! Anyway, I was happy to oblige! The three who wrote to me will be thrown into the mix this week. One is an intergalactic hunter. One is a vicious parasite. One loves to blow shit up. This should be fun!

Fighter 1: The Predator

The ultimate BAMF when it comes to killing things for sport. Harking from a society that is based on who can collect the most heads, The Predator is not to be screwed around with! Extremely athletic, very stealthy, and armed to the teeth, this one will put up a formidable fight! Armed with wrist blades, a wicked quarter staff, a plasma launcher, and advanced cloaking technology, The Predator could very easily own this whole fight! And besides, if he dies, the other two dies as well. Predator's have a nasty habit of going nuclear when they expire!


Fighter 2: The Xenomorph

These guys are freaky! For starters, they have racked up, quite possibly, the most excessive body count of any species. Hell, they take a life just by being born! The Xenomorph does not have the technology or weapons of its two opponents, but, unlike the other two, the Xenomorph is made to do nothing but kill things. This is the ultimate combat organism. Every single aspect of this creature can be the end of you, from the powerful claws to the mouth within a mouth, the spiked tail to the acid blood. It can climb up walls and is very fast! Watch out for this one!

Fighter 3: The... Guys Who Blew Up the White House?

Yeah, those guys. Sorry, I don't know what they are called! Be that as it may, they could still kill me, you, and everyone ever with just a blast of their city leveling weapon! These guys showed up out of the blue one day, and, by the time the clock struck twelve that night, they had wiped out a good portion of the human race, and nearly all of the world's easily recognizable landmarks. In addition to their enormous destroyers, these guys also posses really vicious attack craft, which are quick and very deadly! But, the one thing that will give them an edge on the battlefield is the fact they are FRIGGIN' PSYCHICS!!! They can get inside your head and mess with you incessantly, and you will be powerless to stop them. Both the Predator and the Xenomorph will have to watch out for that.
Addendum: These guys have serious issues when it comes to leaving the house, so, they always travel and do things as a civilization. The field may get a bit crowded!

As always, let's not make this a popularity contest. Think it over. You may think the Predator is cooler, but can he stand up to a alien civilization that can level entire cities? The Xenomorph may look vicious, but that body can't stand up to a plasma bolt very well. The nameless ones are intimidating, but, let just one Xenomorph onto their ship, and they'll have a problem. Be honest with yourself. Who would actually win?

As always, if you have ideas for future conflicts, don't be coy little sheep. Sound off in the comment section of send an e-mail to sebguts10@yahoo.com.

Well, I think everyone's ready to go. The Predator is sharpening his blades. The Xenomorph is salivating. The nameless ones are hanging in the sky ominously! Let's make it happen!

3! 2! 1! FIGHT!!!

Clash of the Lambs: Perpetrators of Alien Genocide

The board is set! The pieces is moving! Let there be blood!!!

What it is LAMBS!!! Sebastian from Films From the Supermassive Black Hole here, ready to satiate your bloodlust with another edition of Clash of the Lambs. Every week, I pit character against character and leave it to you to decide the victor! What's that? You cheer for blood? By jove, you'll have it!

For those who missed it, a recap of last week's fight! The topic was Ridley Scott and swords! I pit Maximus against Balian against Robin Hood. To call it a landslide victory would be be an insult to landslide victories. The fight began, and it was immediately clear who the victor would be. Both Maximus and Balian went for Robin Hood first, as his archery would prove to be a distraction in the fight. The merry man went down extremely quickly, falling before Maximus' and Balian's swords. The two remaining contestants then turned on each other. Balian, with his longer sword, had something of an advantage, but Maximus was too talented of a warrior. He got up close, where Balian's sword was useless, and easily dispatched the crusader! Maximus emerged victorious, with only a small scratch to say that he fought anyone at all.

The Results
Maximus Decimus Meridius: 30 votes (So much for a not popularity contest :-p)
Balian of Ibelin: 1 vote (Way to be, whoever you are)
Robin Hood: 0 votes (How very unmerry!)

This week, we're taking a trip into modern and future times. All the contestants have one thing in common. They are all famous for killing a whole bunch of really mean aliens. Whether they killed an intergalactic hunter, a parasitic monster, or an entire, locust-like civilization, these guys bring a whole new meaning to alien genocide!

Fighter 1: Dutch (Predator)

Ok, he only killed one alien, but it was quite possibly the most tenacious alien in the history of ever! An alien that can shoot plasma beams, has vicious wrist blades, a wicked quarter staff, can turn invisible, and  will turn itself into a nuclear bomb when it is defeated? That is not something you want to cross! That memo was never delivered to Dutch, who goes all medieval on the alien's ass, made doubly impressive that he beats it using primitive things, like stealth, bows and arrows, and strategically placed traps. The big hurrah, though? He finishes off the beast, not with his fists, or a knife, or something like that. No, he kills it with a tree. A TREE! This guy's a G! Dutch's advantage over the competition is his ability to improvise and adapt to the environment, eventually utilizing his surroundings to kill his opponents! He's gonna put up one tough fight!

Fighter 2: Ellen Ripley (The Alien Series)

Ellen Ripley inhabits a nightmare! She has had the absurd misfortune of having to face off against the alien on more than one occasion! These experiences have turned a lowly Warrant Officer into the epitome of feminine badassery! She has been known to mow down countless xenomorphs, torch their eggs, and then go mano a mano with the queen in a power loader! Ripley's advantage over the competition stems from her hardened, no nonsense personality. She is calculating and brutal. She will straight up kill you, no bullshit, and then move on to her next victim without so much as a one liner! Well, that, and she has the equivalent of a mech suit! That's gonna be hard to beat!

Fighter 3: Capt. Steven Hiller (Independence Day)

Though a jokester and straight up playa on the outside, Steven Hiller is, in reality, a resourceful and gifted killer when it comes to dispatching off worlders! The only one of his squad to bring down an alien fighter, he then learned how to pilot an alien craft and flew it up to the mothership. He then, with the help of his trusty sidekick David, made it possible for the resistance on Earth to deal a killing blow to the invading destroyers. After this, he dropped a nuke and obliterated an entire alien civilization! Hiller is not as gifted a fighter on the ground as Ripley or Dutch, which is why he's going to stay in the air, blowing the competition out of the water with his skills as a pilot! He's also just plain cool! Sometimes, cool can win battles!

Same as last time, let's not make it a popularity contest. Think over it in as critical a manner as you can. Ripley may be the favorite character, but can a pulse rifle destroy an aircraft, or hit someone who is striking from the shadows. Dutch may be a badass, but stealth and traps can only go so far. Hiller is a cool cat, but his cockiness may get the better of him. Be honest. Who would actually win?

As always, if you have ideas for future conflicts, don't be coy little sheep. Sound off in the comment section or send an e-mail to sebguts10@yahoo.com.

Well, I think the fighters are about ready to go! The crowd is going wild. Let's make it happen!

3! 2! 1! FIGHT!!!!

Clash of the Lambs: Ridley Scott

The board it set! The pieces are moving! Let there be blood!!!

What it is LAMBs!! Sebastian from Films From the Supermassive Black Hole here with a brand new feature. In the tradition of the gladiators, boxers, and Lamb Action Hero, I present Clash of the Lambs! Every week, I pit character against character, and leave it to you to decide the victor! What's that? You cheer for blood? By jove, you'll have it!

For this inaugural edition of Clash of the Lambs, I am throwing three characters into the ring! They all hark from films directed by one, Ridley Scott! There is a clear favorite in the mix, but the other two prove to be more than formidable opponents!

Fighter 1: Maximus Decimus Meridius

Once a celebrated general in the Roman Army, Maximus is betrayed by the man he calls Caesar and forced into a life of slavery! In the gladiatorial arena, he quickly gains fame for his natural skills as a fighter and leader! Skilled with all types of sharp things that can kill you, adept on foot and on horse, and with the ability to rally a fierce group of pissed off gladiators behind him, Maximus is not one with whom you mess! Hey, he killed the Roman Emperor in front of thousands of people! Definitely don't want to mess with him!

Fighter 2: Balian of Ibelin

Raised unaware of his true heritage and potential, Balian was just a humble blacksmith. That is until the day his father, a great knight in the Crusades comes and takes him on a journey to the Holy Land. Once there, he quickly gains notoriety thanks to his acceptance of Muslims and his almost stupid levels of bravery! The man led a charge against a force far greater than his to give the citizens of a city time to get within its walls! That's a righteous man if ever I've seen one! He successfully conducted the defense of Jerusalem against an enormous Saracen force, and managed to seduce Eva Green during all of this! Skilled with a broadsword, on foot and on horse, and with the ability to rally the dejected and disheartened soldiers of Jerusalem to fight, the thing that gives Balian an edge is his understanding of his enemies! He never underestimates them! A smart enemy is sometimes the most dangerous!

Fighter 3: Robin Hood

Though he begins his story as a lowly, but incredibly skilled archer in the army of King Richard, Robin Hood, upon returning home to England, takes up the mantle as the countries defender against tyranny, oppression, the French, and Mark Strong! He is instrumental in rallying the divided forces of England under one flag, and leading them to glorious victory! He then starts his campaign against the corrupt politicians that rule the country! Extremely skilled with a bow and arrow, he's no slouch when it comes to sword play! He doesn't posses the leadership skills of Maximus or the smarts of Balian, but what he does have is the speed and agility of a true killer! He and his merry men can easily ambush you before you have even the slightest clue where they are! Though he's new to the party, Maximus and Balian will have their hands full contending with him!

Before the battle commences, I have a request for all you LAMBs! Let's not make this a popularity contest! Think it over! Who would actually win in this battle if all three characters were thrown into a pit, given their choice weapons, and turned on each other? They all have their strengths! They all have their weaknesses! Sound good? Faaaaaaaantastic!

Alright then! The crowd is going wild! The trumpets are wailing! What's that? I'm being told that the contestants are ready to begin! Let's make it happen!

3! 2! 1! FIGHT!!

By the way, if you have a particular match up that you would like to see featured, don't be a coy little sheep! Sound off! Write up a comment for all the world to see, or if you're feeling private, send me an e-mail at sebguts10@yahoo.com.